Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
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”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
lol
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers