Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
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They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
me as a parent
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
Chemical wingman
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
Try and stop me.
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.