@LMLMadness: Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
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@SatansTongue: (First date) Me: Don't let her know you're a satanist Her: So what do you do for fun? Me: ＷＨＡＴＥＶＥＲ ＴＨＥ ＤＡＲＫ ＬＯＲＤ ＣＯＭＭＡＮＤＳ
@Brampersandon_: [Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don't you come join me? [Lobster]: No I'm good over here. That's how my dad died.
@SteveSuckington: "What should we put in the middle of this mall?" How bout some chairs? "That idea sucks" A little pond to throw money in? "Oh hell yeah"
@IamEnidColeslaw: The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.