Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
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In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago