@TheDrunkStory: "Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text"
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@Bizarro_Mark: 5 and I are playing "guess the number I'm thinking of" with no limits and no clues. He's guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
@Eightinchgoat: Worst things about mid 40's: 1. Catching a view of yourself naked in the mirror. 2. Crying too hard to complete this list.
@OhNoSheTwitnt: Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already. Me: Wow that's a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
@InternetHippo: [greeting aliens] Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut