[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
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My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.