@TheDrunkStory: "Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text"
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@davidkenny100: Gwen Stefani: 🎵this shit is bananas! B-A-N-A-N-A-S wait!! If if this shit is bananas then that means... Cut to kid opening lunch box
@AtticusFinch79: [taking a walk with mom] Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream* Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you're adopted.
@gojarbe: *spills water on pants* ok don't let anyone think you peed your pants "hey what happ--" MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
@ShawnIzadi: Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn't have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.