@hipchkk: Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of "You had so much potential" with a steaming side of "You shoulda married Jeff."
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@michael_hendrix: Pokemon Go is already more popular than Tinder, another app where you swipe to find monsters in your area.
@AlanHungover: *Nerdy guys phone rings* JOCK: "Who was that, your girlfriend?" *Everyone laughs* NERD: "Nope. It was yours." *Dead silence*
@pinupteacher: ME: What tattoo should I get? TATTOO ARTIST: Something meaningful that represents love and connection. ME: One ravioli on my thigh please.