@hipchkk: Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of "You had so much potential" with a steaming side of "You shoulda married Jeff."
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@SuperJuanderer: [cats on a date in a fancy restaurant] Male: I can't decide if I want tuna or the salmon. Female: *Slowly pushes pepper shaker off table
@rage_chaos: "LSD Makes Users Lose Weight" That makes sense. It's kinda hard to get to the fridge when there's a dragon guarding it.
@all_about_today: Immortality sounded great when I was 23, but now that I'm 38 it just sounds exhausting.
@TySmithdrums: I bought a spray bottle to break my girlfriend of looking at her phone when I'm speaking. I hide it after use so she doesn't know who did it