Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
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[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
#Caturday
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
This squirrel eats better than I do
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?