Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
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Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy