@iamkevinito: Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it's just water under the fridge.
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@nbadag: [me as a passenger on the titanic] oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
@SCbchbum: Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
@briangaar: Hi mom, we shot the new Hobbit movie today. I'm orc #56, the one accidentally wearing a watch. The director was really mad.
@ShortSleeveSuit: Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage? Her: I can't quite tell Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves