Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
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Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.