@iamkevinito: Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it's just water under the fridge.
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@SortaBad: *walks into library* "Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?"
@d_whitehouse: Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
@NiceLittleWife: When I go to Victoria's Secret, I just throw things on the floor to see how they'll really look.