Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
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You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
not for long
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?