Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
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I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet