The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
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These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
Fiction has to make sense.
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.