I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
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Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.