*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
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there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
Is….Is this an option?
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.