Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
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My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
waiting for halloween be like:
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside