*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
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[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E