Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
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Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.