Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
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why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*