Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
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Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them