Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
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I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
No laws when master is gone
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.