a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
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I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”