Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
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Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet