Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
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my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.