Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
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#Thanos #MondayMood
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life