@GoldenSpirals: Laughed hysterically and said "Oh yes, please do" after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
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@Zwolf666: My neighbor's 13-month old only has four teeth. She's way too young to being doing that much meth.
@WoodyLuvsCoffee: Netflix: Are you still watching? Me: Yes. Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
@Ygrene: [First date] Her: i'm a criminal lawyer, what do you do? Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal