Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
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ouch
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
Covid like
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”