Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
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If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
😅🤣😂
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus