Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
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Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
hear me out : pockets for your socks
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”