Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
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Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
This is my favorite one of these!
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager