Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
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No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
Why is this me 😫
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.