*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
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Important reminders
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.