Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client's mouth bleeding? Dentist: he doesn't floss Me: You hit me! D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don't floss

@juneohara65: Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: "Are you on any meds?" Me: "You might want to grab a notebook."

59

@grievre: 20 yr old me: dude holy shit you have to try ecstasy 30 yr old me: dude holy shit you have to try using properly sharpened kitchen knives

1

@wolfpupy: none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box

207

@Stabby_smurf: If procrastinating were an Olympic sport, I would show up just in time to miss the medal ceremony.

55

@SardonicTart: *Gets haircut* "Omg I love it" *Ten minutes later* "Dear God what have I done?"

1

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