Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
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Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)