INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
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At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.