I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
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Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
How about daylight saves us for once
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
Knock Knock
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.