LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
You Might Also Like
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
goldfish mafia
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
pizza
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good