Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
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I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.