Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
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Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
What’s so funny?
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.