LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
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In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
yes… yes…
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.