Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
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*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow