Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
You Might Also Like
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
anyone else like Italian cereal
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.