*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
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Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.