*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
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I love the smell of relapse in the morning
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired