LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
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My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
i- i did not expect this
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
Happy Caturday!
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.