[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
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My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*