*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
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ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.