*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
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You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
when u come home smelling like another dog
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.