*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
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LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.