Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
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From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!