@NoticablyBacon: December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it

@DannyZuker: "No woman, no cry." - Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.

@lloydrang: The New York Post publishes rumours about Dwayne Johnson. He sues for defamation and wins. Rock beats paper. And the crowd goes wild.

@patnspankme: The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.

@kxthleen: other girls wearing low ponytails: smart, classy, professional, beautiful me wearing a low ponytail: will turner in pirates of the caribbean