Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
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I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
The photographer’s assistant
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.