@Mr_Kapowski: My favorite thing about being a parent is lying to my kid Me: The doctor cuts off our tails when we're born 8 y/o daughter: Wife: ZACK!

@Shen_the_Bird: me: I think you'll find my resumé impressive interviewer: this is a note threatening to...eat the moon? me: [grabbing it] ah that's not-*cough*-that's for something else

@brendohare: DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool

@TheBoydP: *spins in circles* *dies* *gets stuck in corner* *dies* *spins in circle* *dies* [Me playing Call of Duty with my son]

@crazylikeanox: I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn't have an "is online now" indicator