learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
You Might Also Like
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
scrabbled eggs
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday