Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
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Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
If only.
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.