Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
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[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
Classic German Shepherd 😂
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.