Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
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SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment