Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
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Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made