leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
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“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
Self-cleaning conscience
Mhm.
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.